


Second Chances

by ClockworkQuill



Series: Clockwork Verse [2]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Cussing, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Minor Character Death, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Torture, Tarsus IV, Winona-centric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-06
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2019-02-11 13:03:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12935871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClockworkQuill/pseuds/ClockworkQuill
Summary: Winona Kirk has been a pretty terrible mother so far, but she has a chance to do better, and is determined to try.Edit: 21 Feb. 18 wee bit of a hiatus here. I was having trouble with this and realized to keep this a Winona-centric fic I need to rework what I had been planing for this fic. Worry not, it is not forgotten or abandoned, just need to work out a few kinks. Also I'm easily distractable and my friends keep giving me fics to write.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> So, starting off a new story here. Same 'Verse as The Speech Kirk Never Gave. 
> 
> I'm gonna preemtively apologize for all y'all BAMF Winona fans out there. This version of Winona, not that. Not at all. It actually hurt a little to do this to her, but it needed to be done to satisfy future plot bunnies. So I'm sorry, but only so much.
> 
>  
> 
> If any of you are trying to do the math, this chapter ends approximately the same time as the Tarsus Massacre. Y'all can speculate just what that means for Winona.

Winona Kirk was pissed. She was pissed at the world, no she was pissed at the galaxy. She was pissed off at George for dying, for leaving her alone with two boys she could absolutely not handle. She was pissed at Starfleet for being the only way she could cope with the loss of her husband, the love of her life. She was pissed at Starfleet for being the whole reason her George was dead to begin with.

She was pissed at Sam, George Samuel Kirk. She should have known naming the kid after his father was a shit idea. Before, back when her and George were both planetside, he had been so happy and smiling, just like his father, his fucking namesake. It pissed her off now, that he was just like her, how she was now, quiet and angry. Only unlike her, the four-year-old wasn't drunk.

She was pissed at Jimmy… for so much. For being all that was left of his father, for how much he looked like his father. Those eyes, that smile. It socked her in the gut and tore out her heart every time she looked at Jimmy. Every goddamn fucking time. She was pissed off every time he would reach for her, cling to her trying to get her attention. She was pissed when he crawled over to her at 7 months old and said “Mama, look,” and pointed to a potato powered light bulb just before it went out. She was pissed at whoever thought it was a good idea to teacher infants that couldn't even stand up on his own to play with electricity. 

She was pissed when she left her 18 month old with his grandparents for the first trip back to the black and a little shit just said “I'm going to build a hoverbike before you get back. If I build it you gotta let me ride it.” She was pissed when she came back 6 months later and the two year old had in fact built himself a hoverbike. She couldn’t tell if she was pissed off or relieved when the only thing he said to her that night was him whining “I didn't anti-anticipate not reaching the pedals.” She did laugh though. It had been a long time since she laughed. Then Jimmy beamed, crawled into her lap and would not be removed and Winona was back to just being pissed.

She was pissed off at her father-in-law, Tiberius, for being the only one that could handle Jimmy - even if it was by doing questionable things like teaching her hell spawn of a four-year-old how to hunt. She was pissed at Tiberius for dying, for leaving her once more with two boys. Two boys and a job in the black that just barely made it tolerable for her to get out of her bunk in the morning. 

She was pissed when she had to come back from the black only to bring her sons to yet another funeral. She was pissed when she noticed part way through the service that Jimmy was gone. She was pissed off when she realized she had no idea when that happened. She was really pissed when she demanded to know why her four-year-old had lit the fucking church on fire. She was fuckishly pissed off when he just shrugged and said “bored.” She was pissed and frankly confused when the arson investigator asked her where her four-year-old got a hold of thermite. Fuck if she knew.

Winona was pissed when she met Frank. Looking back she should have fucking known it would be a disaster. She is pissed that she didn't. The two of them got along together like naphthalene and palmitate. She was pissed off when she realized the only reason she knew the ingredients for WWII era napalm was because Jimmy told her this on his 5th birthday before she drowned herself in a bottle. Fuck the kid wasn't even in kindergarten yet.

She was pissed at the wedding. Like totally, completely sloshed. She and Frank both were. It helped her forget that he wasn't George.

She was pissed the next time she came back from the black to the farmhouse to find her youngest son had apparently moved on from his explosives obsession. She might have been relieved if it weren't for the dissected frog pinned to her dining room table. She was pissed off when Frank caught Sam's lie about not knowing how Jimmy got a hold of a dissection kit and she didn't. The type of dissection kit with scalpels. Fucking scalpels. Kid wasn't even 6.

She was pissed off every time she went back to the black and it felt like freedom.

She was pissed when Frank called asking what to do about “your fucking no good son.” She was pissed off when she screamed at Frank “I don't care, just handle it.” She didn't think she'd ever stop being pissed at herself for saying those words. 

She was pissed when she came home and all Sam did was argue and yell and slam doors. She was pissed off when Jimmy, seven now, asked if Frank would go away now that she was back. She was pissed off when she realized she had totally misunderstood why the kid asked that. At the time, she didn't blame him for liking Frank more, but it still pissed her off. Now she knew better, which pissed her off more.

She was pissed when she came home the next time and Jimmy was nine, Sam 13, and she realized that neither boy had tried to reach her for the last six months. She was pissed off when she realized she knew almost nothing about her sons. She was pissed when she found out she would be grounded for 6 months, when she realized she has to endure 6 months with an angry teenager who threatened to run away at least once a day and a 9 year old kid who seems equally interested in building cars, differential equations, comparative intra-galactic literature and fisticuffs. She was pissed when she got called into the principal's office of the school three towns over to find her kid was being expelled for the 4th time in not even 5 years.

She was absolutely fucking livid when she came back from the black to find her house empty and smelling of stale beer and dust. To find that her eldest son had gone missing almost 8 months before, was listed as a runaway. That her youngest son drove off a cliff, demolishing the last of George's antique cars. That her husband was in jail for physically and sexually assaulting one or both of her sons. That Jimmy had been sent off to some distant relatives she never heard of on some off-planet colony, but no one seems to know where, not even the young Japanese social worker that sent him there. She was livid no one even fucking told her. She was livid she had failed her sons, George's sons, so totally.

She was pissed when she quit Starfleet and basically checked out for two years, drinking and fucking and trying to forget how angry she was.

She is pissed of now, sitting in a civilian medical clinic as the doctor tells her “Ma’am, you're pregnant, about 8 weeks along.”

“I don't know who the father is,” she snaps, pissed off at the words she hadn't meant to say. “He might not have been human.”

“Well ma'am, I'd like to run some more tests, but if it turns out the little one ain't entirely human, I'll have to give you a referral. None of us know much about no aliens.” If it weren’t for the sneer in his voice, it could have been a valid remark. 

Winona Kirk is pissed xenophobia is somehow still a thing. She wasn't going back to that clinic anyway.

She is pissed off when she get back to the farmhouse in Iowa - that she hadn't stepped foot in since the day she came home to find it empty - and it still smells like the beer that bastard drank. Fuck, did she need a drink. But she can't. Because as pissed as she was she couldn't be the pissed she wanted to be.

Winona Kirk had already failed two kids, she couldn't fail this one too.


	2. A Son Returns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Winona hears word of just where Jimmy has been these last few years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wheee so first real chapter! And almost even on time. Happy Hanukkah to any readers that celebrate.
> 
> I'd like to thank everyone who gave feedback on the last chapter. It warms my heart so much.
> 
> Jim returns! I couldn't help it, it was Jim's Tarsus story that started this whole mess, he's a part of this. And of course with Jim comes Kev and little Xelem. I adore Xelem so much.
> 
> Also note the tags have changed a bit (or will as soon as I finish posting thing chapter). Jim's life has not been pretty. Past childhood physical and sexual abuse, underage sex and past torture come up in this chapter.

Winona Kirk was as tired as she was angry now a days. It took her 3 damn months just to fix up the house, renovate the master and the old guest room - now nursery. She hadn’t touched the boys’ rooms. It made her too mad, too sad. And right now she couldn’t drink, couldn’t shut down. Not again.

But today she finished the nursery and she was exhausted. It pissed her off, she was never this tired during her previous pregnancies. She’d worked on a fucking ship until an hour before Jimmy was born and never did it wear her out like this. She didn’t like thinking that just maybe, it was because she was in her early 40’s now, instead of mid to late 20’s. Just pissed her off.

Winona is pissed and exhausted and devastated at every twist in her life over the last 14 years and the fetus is kicking the shit out of her liver. So when the holocall request came up on her comm station, instead of ignoring it like she usually does she clicks and wails “What the fuck do you want from me?” And it pisses her off that tears are actually fucking falling from her face.”

“Are you Winona Kirk?”

“Yes.”

“Legal guardian of James Tiberius Kirk?”

Her eyes widen. “Yes. I’m Jimmy’s mother. Have you found Jimmy?”

“Yes ma’am. He’s in bad shape, all of the survivors are, ma’am. But -”

“Survivors?”

The Lt. in science blue paused for a moment, seemingly struck by her confusion. Survivor of what? Just where did Jimmy end up that Starfleet would be calling her in the middle of the night?

“Tarsus IV ma’am.”

Tarsus IV. Her son had been on Tarsus fucking IV. Jimmy had been on Tarsus fucking IV all this time. Almost three years. And she hadn’t even known.

“Let me talk to her,” the voice was slow, rough. Almost as if it had been used too much or not enough. It sounded nothing like the young boy she remembered. Lower, quieter, softer, devoid of emotion.

The near skeleton that shuffled up to the comm station couldn’t be her Jimmy. Looked nothing like him. He was so much taller. And so haggard. He’d always been skinny, but this kid was just about literally naught but skin and bones. It looked like one wrong move and his bones would just tear through his thin skin that was both sun touched and sallow. Hair, once so golden, was now a dull, dirty blond that hung in thin, gentle waves around his face. She wouldn’t have believed it was Jimmy, if it weren’t for those damn blue eyes. George’s eyes. Still the same brilliant blue, but now those eyes looked so flat, so dead.

For once Winona wasn’t angry. Just sad. Just overwhelmingly sad. Like the day her George died.

She couldn’t help but stare. “J-Jimmy?”

He tensed. And when he responded his voice wasn’t so much cold and just empty. “Winona.”

She winced and looked away. She deserved that. And she realized that was probably the longest she had ever looked at her son and the guilt of that was a monster all its own. The silence dragged on for what seemed an age.

“Still with that bastard?”

“Divorced him as soon as I got back. He’s still in prison. Jimmy, what he did-”

“No, you don’t get to talk about that. At least he was there. At least Frank was fucking there.” Jimmy’s voice was quiet and hard.

“Well I’m here now Jimmy.”

He snorts. “Sure, for a few months. Until the next mission.”

“i quit Starfleet.”

“Huh,” was all he said.

“Look Jimmy -”

“Stop calling me that!” It was the first time he had raised his voice.

“James then?”

He actually shuddered, eyes wide. Winona could see his breath quicken. “J-Jim. Call me Jim.”

“Okay Jim. I, I know I’be been a pretty shit mom so far.”

“Yeah,” Jim agreed.

“But I’m really trying to be better. If you give me the chance.”

Jim sits there thinking about that for a while. Winona lets him.

“One condition.”

“What?”

“You help me keep my kids.”

The comm ends before Winona can ask “Your kids?”

\---

Winona Kirk hated making calls, she hated trading in favors and she really, really hated paperwork. They all pissed her off. But damn it if paperwork and politics would get her Jimmy – no, Jim – back home, so be it. Even if it meant taking in those two kids he called his then so be it. Even if the prospect of more kids to take care of scared her to death. Like utterly, fuckishly terrified.

She was a terrible mother, she had failed her two boys, what the fuck was she going to do with four kids? At least Jim had eventually acquiesced to let the rest of ‘his kids’ go to their extended families. Winona Kirk was pretty sure she would kill herself before agreeing to take care of 10 kids.

It had taken every favor Winona had left in her Starfleet contacts and a good dressing down of the social worker that had refused to let Winona know Jim was on fucking Tarsus - though admittedly that particular conversation she enjoyed, she got to yell a lot - to make this all happen. But sitting in the San Francisco Shuttle Yard waiting for her son and his kids to appear Winona tried to convince herself it was worth it. Because it was. It was worth it to have Jimmy, no, Jim, back. Really.

Winona told herself it was worth it again as Jimm - Jim - stepped off the shuttle, a green haired, black eyed - damn, were those eyes seriously all black? - toddler in one arm and a young kid clinging to his other hand. Winona hoisted herself up.

“Jimm-” she barely stopped herself from calling him Jimmy.

Jim looks down at the boy cowering behind his leg, “Kevin,” then, nuzzling into the toddler on his hip “Xelem, this is Winona.”

Winona smiled at them each in turn. “Hello.” Kevin waved from behind Jim’s leg and Xelem turned away to bury xir head in Jim’s neck.

“I’m supposed to take you all to Starfleet Medical for a final check up, and then the shuttle back to Iowa is tomorrow at 1100.”

Jim nods slowly, as if he has to think about it.

They walked in silence. Because Winona had no idea what to say. Had she ever even spoken to Jim before? Even had an actual conversation? None that she could remember. And Jim said nothing. He didn’t even make any noise. None of them did. Not even footsteps. It was creepy as fuck. It made her almost as uneasy as being next to her stranger of a son, and the two children that clung to him, and not having a fucking clue what to say. More uneasy than those solid black eyes that occasionally flicked over to her. Because seriously what the fuck was that shit?

It wasn’t until they got to the medical offices and were waiting silently in the waiting room that Winona thought of anything to say. “They’re probably going to want me in the room for at least part of the appointment, at least to go over any ongoing treatment all of you might need. Is that okay with you?”

Jim tensed, then shrugged, it looked forced. “Guess so.” Jim forced himself to relax, lightly bouncing the toddler on his lap. Xelem giggled, revealing a mouthful of sharp, pointed teeth. Jim chuckled, smile exploding onto his face. “Oh, you like that do you?”

More giggles and a quiet “More Daddy!”

It felt like dropping into a tank of ice water. Had Jimmy ever called her mom, let alone mommy?” She didn’t know. And she wasn’t sure how she would react now if he tried. But that toddler called Jim daddy and Jim just beamed. As if that little thing was everything. And for the first time Winona saw George in more than just Jim’s eyes and his smile, but in the way he was around his kids. So much like George had been with George Jr., Sam. How he never got the chance to be with Jim. She isn’t able to stop herself from flinching away from the vision of George/Jim, from the corner of her eye.

“Kirk?” A nurse called from the door to the back, as if they weren’t the only ones in the waiting room.

The giggling Xelem and Jim and Kevin - who had been playing with some toys by Jim’s feet quietly - all go still and silent for a moment. Winona looks at her son long enough to see him case the room for escape routes before the nurse smiles and Jim forced himself to relax. He scooped both kids into his arms as he stood up. There is a practiced ease in the movement, both on the parts of Jim and the kids. Winona can’t help but be jealous of the ability to stand up without leverage.

The nurse led them back to a scale, then turned to Winona apologetically, “Normally we do all this separately, but it will be easier if we go through this all as a group, do you mind?”

Winona was trying to figure out how the hell to answer that when another voice cut her off. “Speak to me.”

The nurse actually looked taken aback by Jim’s words. 

“No, don’t look to her. You want to talk about me, talk to me.”

The nurse looked again to Winona. “Unless it's something you legally need my consent for, talk to him.” Really not like she wanted to deal with this shit. Not like she had any idea what was going on with the lot of them. Winona honestly wasn’t even sure what the little one was, though admittedly the longer Winona watched the kid cling to Jim the cuter the kid seemed. Even with the weird eyes and teeth.

“Alright then, do you want us to examine you all separately -”

“We don’t get separated.” Jim growled.

“Okay, but you are going to need separate biobeds, and we can’t do that in a private room. Is that alright?”

“We don’t get separated.” 

“I think you can arrange for a private room.” Winona heard her voice before she even thought to say anything. The commander edge she hadn’t used since her ‘retirement’ seamlessly back. “Without separating them.”

The nurse blushed. “Yes ma’am, sir. Please wait here a moment.” 

Jim looked at Winona with awe in his eyes. Winona winked at him. Jim looked away. Was he blushing? There was an awkward silence around the makeshift family for a few moments. “This way, sir.” The nurse called.

Once they were all in the room, Jim placed Xelem on a biobed, and whispered something to xem in a language Winona couldn’t place. Then Jim stepped away to place Kevin on another. Xelem stared silently at Jim, but the beeping of xir biobed sped as xir heart rate soared. Once Kevin was on his own biobed Jim headed back to Xelem’s side, standing right by the kid. “See, wasn’t goin’ anywhere.” Jim murmurs into neon green hair as Jim’s fingers danced along the kids arms.

Winona just lowers herself into a chair in the corner with a huff. 

“Doctor will be right with you.”

As soon as the nurse was gone Jim turned to Winona, eyebrow raised. “What the hell was that?”

Winona shrugged. “I was an officer a long time. I might not be any longer, but I still remember how to act like it.”

Jim nods and his eyes darken but he just leaves it at that. With Jim back next to xir, Xelem’s heart rate had slowed again. Jim just carded his hand through the toddler’s hair and murmured something in another language. Winona wondered where he had picked the language up, how he had managed to learn another language, what language it was. Xelem said something back in the same tongue and she wondered if it was the language of Xelem’s homeworld.

It took nearly 20 minutes for the doctor to arrive, jolting Winona out of her sleep.

“Mind hopping up on your own biobed, kid?” he asked, smiling.

“My name is Jim.”

“Nice to meet you Jim. I’m Dr. Martinez, now, the biobed,” he waved his hand towards the empty bed.

Xelem’s heart rate soared as Jim moved away, and those black eyes followed him intently. “Daddy,” xe whined.

“I’m not going anywhere, just here,” Jim assured xir. Xelem nodded and his heart rate slowed just a little.

“Sorry kiddo,” the doctor smiled at Xelem, who hadn’t looked away from Jim. “Just need to check you all out real quick, okay?” Xelem didn’t say anything.

“Xelem doesn’t like adults.” Jim says, and to Winona’s ears it sounded more a warning than an explanation. 

“That’s alright.” The doctor turns to gym. “His name is Xelem is it?”

“Xir,” Jim corrects. “Xlarans don’t have binary genders.”

“My apologies.” The doctor turned back to Xelem, who still stared at Jim, “Sorry Xelem.” Back to Jim. “I don’t know much about Xlarans so, you’re going to have to be the expert here Jim. Xelem seems a tad malnourished still, of course, and I’m not sure xir thermoregulation is right. But I’m most worried about the signs of separation anxiety I’m seeing.”

Jim winces at that. “Its just, its just the last time we were seperated I almost didn’t come back. I didn’t think I would make it back.”

“And now Xelem is afraid if xe loses sight of you again, you won’t come back.” It wasn’t a question. Jim nodded just the same.

“That level of attachment isn’t healthy kid. Not for you or for Xelem. But xe trusts you, and you have to be the one to get xir to trust the world again. As that happens, and with the help of a therapist, that should be okay.”

Jim nods, but something about him looks off to Winona. Not quite like he is sad or afraid but something almost in between. Something resigned. 

“Back to the thermoregulation for just a second kid, do you know what the climate of the Xlaran home world is like?”

“Xreya said the part xir and Xelem’s families were from was … I think it translates to cold desert. They don’t like the heat much.”

The doctor nods. “That explains some of what I see. You’re going to have to make sure xe stays cool, alright?”

“Yeah,” Kirk says with a bit of annoyance. “I know.” 

“Alright,” the doctor chuckles. “I think that’s enough about Xelem right now.” He turns to Kevin, “How about this little guy?” 

“That’s Kevin.” Kevin waved but didn’t speak. 

“Hey Kevin,” the doctor smiled. “How old are you?” 

Kevin scrunches up his face and looks to Jim. Jim says something in that other tongue and nods. Kevin looks back at the doctor and raises his hand, five fingers spread wide. 

“Five?” Kevin shrugs.

“We think so,” Jim supplies. “Um, we don’t really know when his birthday is. Or Xelem’s. Not any more.”

“I see. Well, you’re a little on the small side for a 5 year old Kevin. Pretty understandable, given what you went through. Now I’m going to ask you some question Kevin, and all you have to do is nod or shake your head, is that alright?”

Kevin nods. “Do you talk to anyone?” Nod. “Do you talk to anyone besides your dad and sibling?” Shake. “That’s alright for now, okay?” Nod. “Do you have any allergies that you know about?” Kevin looks to Jim. Jim says something again in that other language. Kevin looks back at the doctor and shakes his head. “Do you hurt at all?” Kevin shrugs. “Can you point to where it hurts?” Kevin turns away from the doctor. “Okay you don’t have to tell me.” Kevin glances back at the doctor, than says something in that other tongue to Jim.

“I, I don’t know how to translate that to standard.” Jim says.

“Do your best,” the doctor says.

“His soul aches,” Jim deadpans. Winona has to stifle a chuckle.

“I think that’s pretty normal.”

“Normal?” Jim just about snarls. It’s the same tone he used with the nurse when she talked about seperating him from his kids. It was a sound more like what Winona would expect from a mother animal protecting her young in a nature holo then what she would expect to come from her son.

“I think it is a reasonable and regular reaction to trauma, regardless of the source of that trauma.” 

Jim relaxes a bit and shrugs. “Guess so.” 

“There isn’t much I can do about that though. Again, it's something that will take time and therapy to work through. Though I can’t guarantee that ache will ever go completely away.” Again Jim stiffened at the mention of therapy, but he nodded at the doctor’s words. 

“Can I ask you a few more questions Kevin?” Kevin nodded. 

“Do you have trouble sleeping?” Nod. “Falling asleep?” Another nod. “When you get to sleep, do you have trouble staying asleep?” Nod. “Are you having nightmares?” Nod.

The doctor turned to Jim. “How many times a night is he waking up with nightmares?”

“At least two or three. Xelem has at least one or two a night, but xe sleeps okay if xe has someone to snuggle with.”

“Can any of you sleep alone?”

“No.” 

“Alright. Thank you Jim.” The doctor turned back to Kevin. “Just one more question for now, and its alright if you have Jim speak for you for this one, it isn’t a yes or no, okay?” Kevin nods. “Do you not speak because you don’t want to or because you can’t?”

Kevin speaks rapidly at Jim, who translates. “It’s not safe. Sounds aren’t safe. Can’t let the Dogs know what we’re saying. The Dogs will take us. Use the others to hurt us. It isn’t safe.” with each word Jim translated he and Kevin and Xelem’s heart rates increase until Jim stops. He hops off his biobed and goes to Kevin, hand carding through the kid’s dark hair. “Hush baby, no, it’s alright, Kev, it’s alright,” he says before delving back into the mystery tongue.

Eventually Kevin and Xelem calms down enough and the doctor asks Jim to return to his biobed. “Now Jim I have a few questions for you, then I’ll go get the dietitian and we can go over a diet and meal plan for all of you alright.”

“Okay,” 

“Do you want your mom to stay in the room? Some of the questions will be about your sexual history.”

“Up to her.” Jim’s voice was cold and empty of emotion.

Winona really didn’t want to get up, but she didn’t know if this is a topic she wanted to hear. So she nodded.

“If you change your mind, you can say so at any time. Alright? You have the right to privacy in this, even from your parents.”

“I understand.”

“How old are you?”

“14.”

“Are you sexually active?” Okay she really didn’t want to here this.

“Not in the last three months.” Winona should totally get up. And leave. Definitely she should leave.

“So you were sexually active on Tarsus?”

“Yes.”

“How many partners have you had?”

“Didn’t count.” The answer made her mouth dry. 

“More than three?” 

“Yes.”

“More than 5?”

“Yes.”

“Have you been screened for sexually transmitted infections?”

“Maybe on the ship.”

“How long have you been sexually active?”

Jim stiffened, didn’t answer.

“Jim?”

“I - uh-” Jim looked at the ground, face red. “The, the first time I was 5.”

“How many of your partners have been adults?” Jim shrugged. Just one more question after this one, maybe two, Jim on this topic, alright.”

“All, all but one.”

“Okay Jim, one more question. Have any of your partners not been human?”

“One. Another Xlaran.”

“Okay Jim good job. Now, the file the USS Enterprise sent over, they said you have a number of allergies, is this correct?”

“Yes.”

“Both to food and medications?”

“Yes.”

“Do you also have seasonal or environmental allergies.”

“Yes in Iowa, not on Tarsus.”

“Have you ever done a full allergen work up or study?”

“No.” 

“Alright, I’ll make a note to have that done along with the STI screening. Are you having any trouble sleeping Jim?” Jim shrugged. “How many hours are you sleeping a night?”

“I don’t know, maybe 4.”

“That’s not enough Jim.”

“Whatever.”

“You’ve got two kids to take care of, you’re going to need to sleep. Is it nightmares?”

“I never slept well.”

“That doesn’t answer my question Jim. Is it nightmares?”

“I haven’t slept through the night since I was 4 or 5.”

“Do you have nightmares Jim.”

“I guess.”

“Is it about your time on Tarsus, or something else.”

“I’m not talking about that.”

“Okay. Are dreams the only problem you have with sleeping.”

“No.”

“Okay. Do you have any other symptoms? Headaches, nausea maybe, aches or pains? Anything.”

Jim shrugged. 

“I need an answer Jim if you’re going to be able to get better.”

“My scars hurt when I move too fast.”

“Scars? Were they not able to be healed by regeneration?”

“Dermal regenerators only do so much.”

The doctor nods. “Can I see them?”

Jim looks at Winona, apprehension on his face. Then he says something in that other tongue to his kids, who looked away, though their heart rates increase. Then Jim hesitantly, slowly took off his shirt. Winona gasps, horror rushing through her. She stays silent, because she has no words in reaction to this. Jim’s torso, back and arms are covered in criss crossed scars. Some are smooth and thin, others ragged. The ones on his arms, chest and abdomen were largely in precise patterns; and the ones on his back were layered, torn. Everywhere there were patches that looked waxy, almost melted. Whatever Jim had gone through on Tarsus, it was worse than what bits she had heard from the news holos, rumors, worse than then she had even dared to imagine.

The doctor is silent for a while, then gets closer to Jim. “May I touch?” Jim nods and the doctor quietly inspects the scars, often tracing with his fingers or pressing against them. Sometimes Jim would grunt or exhale sharply, sometimes he would flinch away from the prodding, but mostly he just sat there as he was examined. “Some of these are quite deep, aren’t they?” 

“Yeah.”

“I’m going to refer you to physical therapy. As you gain weight back and build up muscle you’ll likely have less of that problems with the scars. But to be honest I don’t you if you’ll ever recover full range of motion or be entirely pain free. You’ve recovered very well however. Such extensive scarring, most people wouldn’t survive it.”

Kirk Jim closed his eyes for a long moment, and opened his mouth as if to speak. Then shook his head. “Can I put my shirt back on?”

“Yes.” 

Once Jim’s shirt was back on he said something to the kids again and they looked back at Jim with worried eyes. 

“All in all, with what you three went through, and how bad you were when the Enterprise got you, you’re all doing remarkably well. If you don’t mind waiting just a bit, I need to go get the dietitian so we can talk about food.”

After the doctor had left Winona couldn’t stop herself “Jim-”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Jim what happened?”

“I don’t want to fucking talk about it!” Jim yelled. He was shaking and Winona couldn’t tell if it was fear or rage or something else entirely.

“Please just let me in,” she pleads.

“Just like you let me in, ever?”

“Jim that’s not-”

“What that’s not what happened? Winona, you haven’t been a mom to me since you pushed me out. You could barely look at me, wouldn’t touch me. I didn’t realize what Frank was, I didn’t realize his sexual abuse was a bad thing until I was in therapy because I drove a fucking car off a cliff and they saw I was a victim of physical abuse when the police took me to the hospital.” Winona’s eyes widened in horror. She had read the police reports, what fragments of the court transcripts she had gotten ahold of. She had known about the abuse the past few years, too late to do anything. But she hadn’t known about it then. Hadn’t thought about what it would have been like for Jimmy, not having any frame of reference to know just how wrong the interactions were. “Frank was the only person who would touch me at all, except for the fights I got in, did you know that? Did you care? I was 11 when I went to Tarsus but I had known you maybe a total of 3 years on planet. You’ve been a stranger to me my whole fucking life.” Winona found herself wiping tears from her eyes, which got her something between a smile and a sneer from Jim. “This is probably the longest I’ve ever managed to talk to you without you brushing me off or just walking away. And you just want me to bare my soul, tell you the darkest, worst fucking things to ever happen to me? Just cause you picked me up at the shuttle bay? Fuck that.”

Winona sat there crying in front of her son. She didn’t know what to say. She wasn’t sure there was actually anything for her to say. Nothing he had said was wrong. She had barely known Jim, she didn’t know him. He had always been a stranger to her, even more than Sam had become. Jim had rarely been more than a source of sorrow, frustration, exasperation or anger for her, and she had done her best until recently to ignore his existence. And for the first time that day in the two months since she had been back in contact with her son she was pissed at no one but herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback, both praise and crit, is always appreciated. I can't state that enough.
> 
> A lot of the next chapter is just headcannon food related fluff and kids being adorable so look forward to that, like a good 2/3rds of it.
> 
> I'll be sending it off to my beta momentarily. Hopefully you'll get the next chapter the 20th or 21st of Dec but I make no promises. The 20th is my mom's birthday and I'm flying to the mainland to visit her. So its possible there might not being any updates until I get back, or that I'll post something unrelated I've already got ready to go. I'll wish a happy Yule, and a blessed soltice to everyone now in case I don't get the chance to update.


	3. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rest of the kids' meet with a dietician and then Winona takes them all out to eat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. Traveling and visiting people took a lot out of me. But here is Chapter 2.
> 
> As promised it is about 2/3 post-Tarsus food headcannon and about 1/3 fluff. 
> 
> And a little not so fluff at the end.
> 
>  
> 
> Just a quick warning for anyone with ED, food and eating are discussed, and we get into some nutritional issues. But any signs of ED in the kids that may surface hasn't come up yet. There is also mention of drinking, drinking problems and past physical and sexual abuse of a child.
> 
> Enjoy my loves.

The doctors came back in the room and quickly glanced at the still crying Winona before turning to Jim. “Jim, this is Dr. Stark our dietary and nutrition specialist.”

“Hello James-” 

Winona looked up as his biobed screamed. “Don’t call me that.” Jim looked almost as pale as he had that first comm call.

“Sorry, Jim. It’s okay, I won’t do it again,” the new doctor backed up and held her arms out to the side slightly in front of her, palms up. 

Jim’s biobed stopped screaming suddenly; alarms stilled as Jim tamped down on his panic and forced his bioreading to return within normal parameters.

The first doctor frowned and wrote something into Jim’s chart but said nothing. Winona wiped her eyes and part of her wondered if Jim's response had been learned on Tarsus or around Frank.

“Jim, do you mind introducing me to these adorable young ones?” The dietitian asked.

Jim stiffly pointed at each child in turn. “Kevin, Xelem.”

“And Xelem is Xlaran yes?” 

“Yes.”

“How about we start with xir diet plan, alright?”

“Okay.”

“How much do you know about Xlaran diets, Jim?”

“A little. There was another Xlaran with us for a while. About my age. Xe told me, helped me with Xelem.”

“Do you want to tell me what happened to xem?” she asked gently.

Jim shook his head.

“Alright. That’s perfectly alright.” The doctor let Jim have a moment. “So you realize that Xlarans are mostly carnivorous right?” Jim nodded. “And because Xelem’s diet wasn’t optimal it’s going to be best if xir nutrition comes entirely from meat and fish and the like for a while. I’d say at least the next six months, if not a whole year, so Xelem’s digestive system has a chance to heal and recover and xe can grow more. Things like broth or meat cooked with other things are alright, just no solid vegetables, fruits, grains or seeds.”

“I thought that might be the case.”

The doctor smiled. “You’re a bright boy, Jim. And you probably know more about Xlarans than most humans. I had to do a lot of research just to find out this much. T`Xlar isn't a Federation member yet, and not many Xlarans leave their homeworld.”

“I know.”

“Some of the things that are good for Xelem, aren’t all that appealing to a lot of humans-”

Jim laughed bitterly. “I just spent 6 months eating tree bark and beatles and garbage lady, I don’t think my standards are normal.”

“I was going to say, but they are very nutritive and would be good for you and Kevin too. Like liver or sardines.”

Kevin perked up at this. “I like liver.”

“Chicken and beef liver taste a bit different then what you’re used to, buddy. Tryxa liver tastes more like deer kidneys.”

Winona tried not to make a face. Liver and kidneys are just about her least favorite foods. George didn’t much like them either, but Tiberius had. Clearly it was something the old man had passed on to Jim.

Kevin just beamed up at his daddy. “Okay. I like kidney then. Can we try liver?”

Jim smiled and hoped down from his biobed to go over and ruffle Kevin’s hair. Xelem whined at xir brother getting attention when xe had been ignored. 

“You can sit together, I don’t need the bioreadings for this part.” Dr. Martinez said, reaching over to turn off the biosensors on Kevin’s bed, which was closest to the two doctors. 

Jim went and grabbed Xelem and then went over to sit on Kevin’s biobed. When the were all settled Xelem was on Jim’s lap, snuggling into xir daddy’s side and half asleep, and Kevin was cuddled under Jim’s other arm.

“Kidneys would be good for all of you, too; organ meats in general. Fish, too, are going to be good. Sardines and salmon are probably the best. Clams, mollusks, and the like are really important for Xelem especially. Shrimp would be good too.”

“You do realize we live in Iowa right?” Winona couldn’t help herself from saying. “Not exactly the best place for seafood.”

Dr. Stark leveled Winona with a stare that would make an admiral proud. “You’ll make do.” She turned back to Jim. “I suggest all of you, but especially Xelem have some bone broth every day. At least one cup in the morning. Organ meats you should limit to three times a week. Xelem is going to need some fish or other seafood at least once a day. But two meals a day and some bone broth should be plenty of food for xem. At this age go for 2-3 oz. of meat, fish or seafood a meal.”

“Yes.” 

“Good. Now it's a little more complex for you and Kevin. You’re omnivores; you need a wider range of nutrients. And until your stomachs are used to eating food again you should eat smaller meals more frequently. Again, I’d say about 2-3 oz, five or six times a day. Not just meat and seafood, though. You’re going to need veggies and carbs too. And no, candy doesn’t count. Fruits or starches like potatoes or sweet potatoes. Maybe some rice or other grains, but not by themselves.”

“Okay.”

“I know you were probably wanting me to say something like you get to eat all the pizza you want.” Jim looked away sheepishly. “And you’re free to eat whatever you want and however much you want two nights a week. How exactly that works you’ll have to work out with your,” with a look to Winona the doctor corrected herself “Ms. Kirk. “But mostly I want you to think about food primarily as nourishing you and your body.”

“Okay,” Jim smiled this time as he said it. “That makes sense.”

“Good. Now, I have these packets made up with some suggested meal plans for the three of you, alright? You wanna look these over and see if you have any questions?”

Jim looked panicked at this. “What about Winona? Winona needs a plan too.”

Winona had not been expecting this. Winona had actually been drifting back to sleep when she heard her name. “I uh, what?”

“You’re right, Jim. Winona needs to eat too. But I’m not her doctor.”

Jim looked downright terrified. “But she needs to eat. She needs to.”

“Yes, for both her and the baby. She needs to eat. Would it make you feel better if she had a plan too?”

Jim nodded.

Oh. Winona felt downright awful then. Even with how rocky things had gone between them in the last few hours - let alone the last 14 years - Jim was trying to take care of her. He wanted to make sure she ate. The idea of her not eating left him panicking. He had been the one taking care of everyone on Tarsus, making sure all the other kids ate. Now he was going to make sure she ate, too.

“Hey, Jimmy,” Winona said sleepily. Jim winced. “Sorry, Jim. How about we go back to the hotel for a nap, I’ll call my doctor back in Riverside so he can start on a diet plan for me, and then after we all rest a little we can all go get some food, alright?”

Jim looked back and forth between the doctors and Winona for a moment. “Okay.” He hopped off the biobed with Xelem still in his arms. 

Kevin had fallen asleep and just murmured and whined at the loss of his daddy at his side. 

Jim looked back and forth from Kevin and Xelem, trying to figure out how to pick up the bigger boy with his arms already full of sleeping toddler.

Winona sighed. “How about you hand me Xelem, so you can get Kevin?” She really didn’t want to carry anyone, but she was pretty sure she couldn’t manage with the five year old, no matter how small he was. 

Jim spun to face Winona, blue eyes wide. Winona couldn’t quite read them. 

“Look, Jim, I’m not gonna take your kids away. Just both of them and I really need a nap, on a bed. And I don’t think I can carry Kevin at this size, alright?”

Slowly Jim nodded, and shook Xelem awake. He murmured to the kid in what Winona figured was probably Xlaran, and waited for the kid’s sleepy nod before handing him over to Winona. Xelem just nuzzled against her neck and fell asleep.

\---

“So, where do you want to go to dinner?” Winona asked the three kids sitting on the opposite bed.

“I want to try liver!” Kevin bounced with every word, more full of energy than Winona had seen before his nap.

“I don’t know of any restaurants that serve liver here. There are a couple in or around Riverside though. You might have to wait.”

“Okay,” Kevin said, still bouncing.

“Some place with seafood, maybe?” Winona suggested. Jim hadn’t said anything, just was watching her. “It’ll be better, fresher here than once we get to Riverside.”

A moment, then Jim aquiesced, “Okay.” 

“Any particular preferences?”

“No.” 

Winona sighed. “Okay.” She pulls out a padd and does a quick search. “Steak and seafood or Chinese seafood?”

Jim smiled at Winona for the first time.

\---

Thirty seconds looking at the menu and Winona was already thinking this was a bad idea. This wasn’t pork chow mein Americanized chinese food. It was Black Bean Sauce & Bitter Melon with Fishbone Chow Fun Chinese food and Winona desperately wished she’d never suggested the place. 

The kids, oddly enough, seemed not at all put off by the menu. 

“‘Li-liver, look daddy, they have liver!” Kevin pointed excitedly at the menu.

“You can read, Kevin?” Winona asked even though at that moment it was pretty obvious. 

Kevin just beamed. “Yeah, daddy taught me.”

“Which liver do you want, Kev?” 

“What’s the difference?”

“Well this one is chicken banked with pork liver, so that’s going to be chicken cooked with pig liver around it. And this one,” Jim pointed toanother place on the menu, “is braised pork liver, which means pig liver was fried a bit in oil and then cooked slowly with some water in a closed container.”

“Where did you learn that?” Winona asked. He didn’t know how to cook, last she had seen him.

“Hoshi taught me.”

“Hoshi, Hoshi Sato?”

There was a confused look that went over Jim’s face. “Yeah. I was sent to her. She was my godmother, wasn’t she?”

Winona shook her head. Well, that explained some things with the Japanese social worker. “No, I never met her. Don’t think George ever did either.”

“Huh. That’s what the social worker called her. Probably should have guessed something was off about that. Why didn’t you know?”

“I was never told where you had gone. Not until that comm call. The paperwork was apparently lost.”

“Oh,” Jim says, and turned back to Kevin. “So, which one do you want, Kev?”

“Um, the braised one, I think.”

“What about you Xelem, is there anything you want?”

Xelem nodded enthusiastically. “Fish.”

Jim chuckled. “Do you want fish by itself, or like a soup or something?”

“Soup.”

“Alright. How about this one then, Fish Maw Soup with crab meat? Does that sound good?”

“Maw?”

“It’s a funny word for mouth.”

Xelem grins, a single row of teeth gleaming. “Please.”

“Alright.”

The waitress stopped at their table. “You ready?”

“I want liver!” Kevin bounces. “Uh, braised liver!”

She smiled at him, and Jim continued. “I’ll have the Sauteed Frogs with Pork Tripe, and the little one will have the Fish Maw Soup.”

“And you, Mrs?”

“Just the house fried rice please.” The waitress walks away and Winona turned to Jim. “Frog?”

Jim grinned that shit-eating grin Winona knew from her short time with Jimmy, and it is the first time she’d seen it from him as Jim. “Always wanted to try it.”

\---

Winona was woken no less than 7 times that night. Each time she woke up there were small noises coming from the other bed. Not screaming or gasping or sobbing, just Jim whispering and singing to his kids. Kids that breathed raggedly but didn’t cry. Kids that barely whimpered. Even though Winona could feel their terror from her bed, saw it every time she heaved herself up to go to the bathroom. 

It wasn’t until the third time she got up and went back to bed - the parasite just loved to tap dance on her bladder - that she remembered Kevin’s words to the doctor through Jim. Sounds aren’t safe. Winona couldn’t help but wonder if Kevin would have talked at all the day before if it wasn’t about food. The only time he had talked was about the liver, now that she thought about it. 

She wouldn’t even know of the distress of the three kids in her charge if she weren’t already awake and getting up. Even lying awake in her bed, tossing back and forth trying to get comfortable she hadn’t known, wouldn’t have realized. Even knowing they couldn’t sleep through the night, were waking up multiple times from nightmares, she wouldn’t have known. She had to strain to hear Jim’s comforting murmuring and they were at most 10 feet away.

She wondered when the last time Jim had slept through the night was. Did she really have the right to wonder that now? She never had before. She had never cared before. She hadn’t even thought about him sleeping through the night since Jim had been weaned. It never even occurred to her to think about. 

She really wanted a drink. That was about all she thought about anymore. Drinking. And the baby and Jimmy and drinking. And how much she hated herself. How everything was wrong. Why had George left all this to her? She only wanted kids because of George. George loved kids, was an amazing dad. Winona didn’t even like kids. She didn’t even like her kids. And if that didn’t make her an absolute fucking failure then nothing else would. Even though she fucked everything else up, too.   
She just wanted a damn drink. 

It was quiet in the other bed.

There was a mini bar. It was closer to her than Jim, even. She could go get some water, get a drink too. No big deal. Just one. It would be alright.

Jim was probably asleep anyways. He wasn’t making any noise. Besides, he hadn’t paid any attention to her any of the other times she got up. Winona could do it.

As Winona got up she couldn’t quite suppress a moan. Getting up was a bitch like this. But there was no movement from the other bed. It was okay. She went over to the sink, the water. Filled up a glass. And just grabbed a bottle. Quick and quiet, just like that. She really needed this. Winona grabbed the glass, full now. Turned to go back to bed. Stop.

Jim waited for her on her bed. “You’re a shit mom.”

“What do you mean this time?”

“The two ounce bottle of vodka behind your back.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I saw you Winona. Hand it over or put it back, I don’t care, but don’t drink it.”

“You aren’t the boss of me.” She whined. It was stupid and immature but fuck she needed a drink.

“No, just the kid you let your drunkard husband beat and rape for years because you don’t give a shit. Who’s gonna drink your infant to death because you still don’t give a shit, because you haven’t learned. Trying to do better? Fuck that. Prove it, do better. Don’t hurt your child and don’t you fucking dare drink in front of my kids.”

“What the fuck do you want from me? I just need a drink. One little drink.”

“I wanted a mom. I wanted someone to hold me. I wanted someone who didn’t think I was my father or blame me for him not being here to pay attention to me. I wanted someone to feed me and play with me. The only time you ever gave me any attention was to yell at me. I spent most of my childhood either with Tiberius relieving George’s childhood with me and Sam or being ignored for days on end because he forgot we were there. You were hardly even better. You knew I was there and still ignored me, when you were even home.

"And then Frank came and you didn’t even yell at me anymore. You let Frank do that. You let him be the one to hug and to hold me and neglect me in turn. You ever notice the lock on the fridge? Or the fact that the replicator never worked? Or the locks on the closet doors in Sam’s room and mine? Did you ever notice the bruises or broken bones? Those things didn’t even stop when you were gone after the first year or two. It wasn’t until a few years into school I realized what Frank did wasn’t normal dad things. The coming into my room at night. The ‘hush Jimmy this is our secret okay? not that anyone would believe you, you’re a nobody, nobody loves you, you’re only good for this Jimmy, ya hear? everyone would be happier if you were gone if you weren’t so good at this, if you weren’t such a good hole Jimmy.’ All I fucking wanted was to be seen, heard, loved. Hoshi gave me that. Ko- I was given that. On Tarsus. Tarsus was the best fucking thing to ever happen to me until it wasn’t. 

“You’re lying!” Winona hadn’t meant to yell that. Hadn’t meant to say it. Damn she needed a drink. So bad. And it was right in her hand. And “it hadn’t been like that, you don’t understand. You loved Frank.”

“How would you fucking know, Winona? I was more terrified of him than I loved him but you wouldn’t listen. Sam hated him but you wouldn’t listen.”

“You never told me!”

“How was I supposed to! You stopped listening to me before I could talk! You never fucking listened. Even when I tried!” 

“Daddy…” a soft voice called out from the other bed. 

Jim got up, snatching the tiny bottle out of Winona’s hand before going to the other bed.

“Go to sleep, Winona.”

It was the end of the conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All menu items come from the Shai Lai Seafood Restaurant in San Francisco. Was just looking to see what was out there since I have been there once, when I was about 8, and kind of perfectly fit. Maybe they're still around in 22-whatever.
> 
> Comments and critiques welcome. They keep me going.
> 
> I'll post something next week, but next update for this probably won't come until at least the 16th, unless I get some major inspiration. Chapter 4 is almost done but chapter 3 and my brain refuse to work together.
> 
> Haven't decided what I'll be posting next week. Options are the prologue for the BCT fic in this verse, or a 5+1 fic in another verse that features a demiromantic Jim, and maybe if I get the edits I want done prologue for a massive Dax character study fic I've been working on. Which one would y'all rather see?

**Author's Note:**

> Comments, Criticism and Kudos are all appreciated. Long randomly comment conversations? Also Appreciated, I am a fan.
> 
> Y'all can now reach me at [ clockwork-quill ](https://clockwork-quill.tumblr.com) on tumblr.


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